Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm a failure or a quitter..

Today, I received some emails regarding my old job. That set me off on some stupid tangent about how I am a failure...or a quitter. I loved my job. LOVED IT! Yes, I said it. While I loved being with my son, I enjoyed going to work, sitting at my desk, feeling useful. I was involved in everything - new construction, renovations, documentation, everyday moves, adds and changes, and planning. I hoped I was good at my job (I always feared I would get fired - pretty ironic when I look at it now). I always received outstanding reviews, dealt easily with people all over campus, and was happy to run off and deal with anything that needed to be done. I was in the middle of planning several projects when I became pregnant, with twins. I worked out this plan to keep working. I would work from home - while I was on house rest, then take FMLA, then extended sick leave to give me about 6 months at home. Well, they took away my work from home, so that was about 2 months less than I orginally planned. Then, I had the babies 2.5 months early. Well, at that point, I wasn't going back. I had 2 major projects, plus 3-4 non-major projects working, not to mention the network documentation that I had been working on for about 10 years. I had about a week to offload everything to anyone who would listen to what I had planned. Well, now, the new building that I had worked on for 2 years is almost finished and everyone (including a guy they hired to replace me) has been working all hours to get the network (that I designed) installed. It hit me that I left them like that. I felt bad initially. I cried, daily. I found it extremely difficult to even tell Steve (the guy that basically taught me everything I knew) that I wasn't coming back. I felt so bad that I was leaving him with all of the work that I wouldn't be able to complete. Everyone was so nice about it, but I know they are extremely busy. I wish I was there to help them. I know that I should be here, with my kids. I love being home, but it's just not the same. Those people were like my family, I saw them every day. I miss them terribly. I think about them a lot. I know that I should be happy to be home, and I am...but I miss my job. Is that so hard to believe??

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Staring down the chores

If I stare down the chores, who will win? Let's see...dishes would pile up and eventually, we'd either run out or have no counter space. Chores 1 Me 0
Laundry...I don't like dirty clothes. Chores 2 Me 0
Bathrooms...Hmmm. Chores 3 Me 0
I see a common thread here. I guess that means I should get off my butt and get some things done. :) Oh well...I'll be back. Hopefully!

Monday, July 6, 2009

It's a morning...

unlike any other. Well, sort of. My in-laws are in town, my hubby is still sleeping. What's really odd is that Will is still sleeping. Dylan and Kieran are hanging out in their high chairs, eating their breakfast. I look at the piles of folded laundry and feel a little relieved that I didn't fold I have to put them away. I look at the dishwasher and I am very thankful that it can be programmed to run overnight. I've actually had my shower (yeah) and even the dog has been fed. So why do I feel so overwhelmed? I wish I could have a weekend off, but I know that things would be twice as hard when I got back. One day, these kids will be able to spend the night with Grandma. I keep staring at the light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light (or at least I've fooled myself into believing it) and one day, I will reach it. I just hope it doesn't kill me first. :)